After a lot of thinking and researching for someone who i can talk to about my problems and shit unimportant issues, I finally come to my senses and decided to talk about it in here (and so that someone that I will talk to will not think I'm such a pathetic whining girl)

so anyway, its been really a stressful months, and next month would be more stressful than this and I have no idea how to cope with it, I think I'm about to go crazy. This whole thing with my school, education, family blablabla, are just the whole main reasons why I just want to shoot myself in the head.

I know that I'm not alone in here, in England or even in this world (I know right, how pathetic you think I am, even I think I'm pretty pathetic right now), but i just feel like I'm all alone. Since my dad died, since I've moved down here, everything just change without including me in it, even though its kind of a part of my life too. they just sort of change without me knowing, its like I'm on this journey, in this kind of bubble and I thought I've only inside this bubble for a day when I've been inside of it for almost 2 years now.

I know, blahblahblah. but don't you ever feel like that? like ever?

I don't know why I'm angry all the time. it feels like I'm angry with my dad for being dead, and I feel like I'm angry with everyone for changing themselves. But the one that I'm really angry at is myself.

I want things to be perfect, I want them to be exactly like what I want, no missing details. I want to do that, do this, buy that, sell that. I want too much things. There is just too much things going on in this world, and there is too much things going on inside of my head.

But all i need is a friend. who is good enough to just listen and be there to even listen about my stupid problems. But everyone is just busy with they life, they even to busy to remember their friend. even just for a talk.

I'm just so mad at everyone. I'm just so mad at myself. But all I need is a friend to talk to.


Lots of love,
Cynthia Clara,
xxxx

INNEED HELP GUYS!!!

oh hey, its been a long time since i wrote something on my blog and people keep asking me to write something again so here I am.

to be honest, i only come here to complaint. i know, i know. I hate complaining but hey, I'm kinda pissed about something, so here it is, I'm just gonna spill the beans straight away; but you're going to be disappointed because this is going to be another pointless post BUT WHATEVER :d

I HATE it, totally HATE it, how i couldn't find any indonesian books online. and there is only an english version of the book, which is annoying. i wanna read indonesian literature book, not english, duh. But here i am, so desperate and irritated because of it, i actually thinking buying the book in english. I mean, what am I supposed to do? there is no, literally, NO indonesian bookstore AT ALL, in England that i know of, at least not in Oxford.

So, yes, you get it now why I'm here right?; I need help. I literally need help. If someone actually know where I could find indonesian books (e.g. Aku, Aku ini binatang jalang, Robohnya surau kami, Sekolah itu candu, books by Pramoedya Ananta Toer or by W.S. Rendra) either in UK or online please, pretty please tell me. because i've been trying to fibd it online, its either delivered to ID or i couldn't even find it in english. So yes, you can either send me an email or fb me or twitter or fme or comment whatever.

gotta go now ;)

Cynthia Clara,
lots of love, 
xxxx

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Thank you 

Lots of love,

Cynthia Clara

xxxxx

Inspiring MasterChef USA Audition (Season 3 Episode 1) - Christine Ha: B...

This is a very inspiring thing to watch, gosh. I am crying so hard watching this :""))

HELLOOOOOOOOOOO AGAIN!!!!!!

Okay. i know this is like my second year in England, but still i somehow still could not getting used to it with me being very very geek and so nerdy.

you know what happen -- i mean we all been there -- when you dont have any boyfriend or someone (lame) all you did was spending all your time with your friends or being very anti-social and just stay at home, probably studying and focusing more on your education -- which is good, but also have a disadvantages too, as example, you will turn to be a very boring, depressing person and the next thing you know, you just can't be bothered to study and feeling like burning all your books -- and yeah, it is pretty boring. it gets even when you don't have a lot of activities to do.

Sometimes, there is just one of those days when i want to turn my life around but just don't know how. or there is just one of those days when you want more from yourself, but you're too fucked up to even think what was wrong with you. or there is just one of those days when you watch romance movies and it somehow just brings up your feelings for someone in your past, which is sucks since you're not in the same country anymore, and it gets even when they're not talking to you like you used to and.. that someone had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Can it even get more worse than that?

i know it has been a long time since i wrote something in my blog, but really, i thought my blog was getting boring and lame, well i still think it IS though. triple lol. but here i am writing in my blog again. i guess, no matter how sucks drama is in our life, we still needed one, well the good drama anyway -- such as you know, boys drama -- cuz without it, look what i have become, pretty much a depressing, boring person.

I don't know what i want anymore or what i needed. i pretty much giving up trying. I, well sort of, gave up trying to get thin and tall. Then i gave up studying, next week is going to be exams week, i mean its just a mock, but if i didn't study it is kinda like screwing up my GCSE but eff-- studying. Especially music, its confusing as hell.

Well anyway I still know what i want, I just don't know if i still could keep up with all of the stuff that i have to do to get it. and life will always goes on, so i couldn't really wasting my time not doing anything, God I'm such a big thinker, I know.

hm, btw my bday's coming up (no one care cynth) lol, and since my sister sort of already gave me my pre-gift bday (it was the xx ticket's concert) and i was thinking about selling it again for michael buble. haa i know you guys probably think like "what the hell" or something, its just that i like Buble more than the xx, just saying hahaha.

anyway, got to go, bye!

Lots of love, 

Cynthia Clara, xxx

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